10 month letter

Cause I've seen the rainbows that can take your breath away

the beauty of the setting sun that ends a perfect day

and when it comes to shooting stars, I've seen a few

but I've never seen anything...as beautiful as you

~"Beautiful" performed by Jim Brickman, featuring Wayne Brady

Dear Little,

10 months old. Seriously, how is this possible, Kiddo? We certainly have packed a lot into that time so it makes sense I suppose, but I can never have enough time with you. It goes by too fast. Stages never last long enough. Our Little isn’t so little anymore. It's hard to believe you're the same little cooing newborn with the beautiful copper highlights. Don’t mind me while I whimper about my baby growing up—it’s what you’re supposed to be doing and I am so very proud of every new thing you accomplish, every new discovery you make, and how you wrap everyone around your itty bitty finger within seconds of meeting you. Case and point—there was an old Italian lady who just couldn’t get enough of you while we were out Christmas shopping. She even gently pinched your cheeks and blessed you in Italian. You just have such a happy, positive, wonderful energy that draws people to you.

The nickname “Tiny Dancer” describes you pretty well right now (although I think I’ll stick with “Little”)…you love to dance. It’s hilarious and adorable. We haven’t been able to pick out your favorite type of music because you’ll move and groove to everything from the alphabet song on your Leapfrog activity table (which you will play without exaggeration 30 times in a row) to Lebanese music at Nada’s house. Actually, Nada was cracking up about how you like all the beats in the music—if she puts it on for an hour, you’ll dance for an hour straight. (No wonder you’ve been passed out when I pick you up!) Sometimes you’ll just be sitting on the floor and start swaying, but when you’re standing, you get a little more daring with your moves.

You continue to be a daredevil. You also have attitude, young lady. You’re also very smart. This triple threat combo keeps us on our toes and I can only imagine how your personality will continue to develop. It’ll be fun, that’s for sure. I can see the mischief in your eyes and that huge smile of yours. I love it. I love what a happy baby you are and that you have such a big personality already. Remember: “Well-behaved women rarely make history,” however, they do listen to their mommies telling them to stop pulling their hair. Okay, I added that last part.

Predictably, we went overboard for Christmas. For future Christmases and birthdays, we’ll teach you about giving and appreciating everything you have, but this year, we just basically established a mini ToysRUs in our house. Your favorite toy, though you visit them all, is your rocking pony from the pups. "I'm a little pony. Clippity clop, clippity clop. Such a pretty pony. Clippity clop, clippity clop." I'll probably still have that song stuck in my head when you're 10.

Christmas was mellow and low-key, which I love. It was wonderful to snuggle you in your pjs and help you open your presents, smell your hair while you investigated new toys, give you lots of kisses and hugs. You did so well, even with all the new things going on, and took both of your naps--smack dab in the middle of the living room I should add, like the centerpiece of the day, which you were. I can only imagine next Christmas with you understanding a little more about what's going on, having you helping make Christmas cookies, making crafts and art, maybe visiting the snow, leaving milk and cookies out for Santa. It'll be fun, sweetie. That's for certain.

Now a little more about what you're up to...

You don’t really have any interest in TV or movies, except sometimes during hockey games when you’ll want to see what we’re looking at. I’ll also put on Disney and other kiddo movies to have as background when we’re playing, mainly to keep Momma entertained when you’ve decided you would rather play by yourself. One day I put on Sleeping Beauty. You couldn’t care less about the movie until Maleficent came on in all her noisy, scary glory. You were standing at the toy basket, turned to stare at her, frowning, and started whispering things like “Ush-eck-mon, I-key-shoo” (I improvise), which I believe translates to: “Oh, I don’t like her. at. all.”

You seem to just like to play and explore, but you definitely have an opinion about when you want us to join you or not. I mentioned before that you love the alphabet song on your Leapfrog table. Oh and also that you have attitude. Well, I really don’t mind noisy toys at all and one morning I was lip-syncing to the alphabet song and generally being goofy, which you found very entertaining. Then you played the song again. And again. And again. After the 5th or 6th time, I switched the setting (there’s a plastic book in the middle and turning the page changes the setting) from learning to songs (without words) so we could have a break from our ABCs. You stared at me and without breaking concentration, you slowly and matter-of-factly moved your hand across the table and flipped the page back. Then you rolled that rattle and the alphabet song started playing once again. You may as well have raised your eyebrow while you did this, you had such defiance in your eyes. I think I would have been having flashes of you as a rebellious teenager had I not been distracted by the fact that you knew how to switch play modes and that you needed to change play modes to get the song to play again.

Oh, another funny thing you’ve started to do is throw yourself forward and then back into the seat when you’re in the stroller. I think you’re trying to get the stroller to move. I guess it’s just to let me know I’ve been browsing for too long? I've said it before, but you get bored without a change of scenery.

We've also moved you along to more finger foods than purees. I think it was the pureed chicken that did me in (it had a certain ick factor), but it was time and you're doing fantastic.You eat everything from tofu slices to carrots to pumpkin pancakes. Oh, and you have a very straightforward way of telling me when you've had enough, too: You simply flip the plate over and sweep all the food off your high chair tray.
I just can't get enough of you, sweet girl. Love you forever and forever, love you with all my heart, love you when we're together, love you when we're apart.

Love,

Momma

9 month letter (almost 2 weeks late)

That's my daughter in the water

everything she owns I bought her

Everything she owns.

That's my daughter in the water,

everything she knows I taught her.

Everything she knows.

Everything I say

she takes to heart.

Everything she takes

she takes apart.

-"Daughter" by Loudon Wainwright

Dear Little,

So I’ve mentioned before that a good amount of the time we call you by a nickname. We can’t really help it, it just comes out. I do apologize that some of the nicknames aren’t terribly flattering. “Fuss-Fuss” has pretty much been phased out for the most part (thank you for making this possible), but has been replaced by things like “Fart Monster” (and for that, I apologize), “Tickle Monster”…see the trend? I should mention it’s usually accompanied by a funny voice and it really is a term of endearment.

I’m nearly 2 weeks late writing this and the only explanation I have is that you keep us busy! Ever since you started crawling, you’re not happy sitting in one place for too long. You are standing, pulling things out of cabinets and laundry baskets, clobbering the dogs, or darting across the room, generally getting into mischief, which you find hilarious. Actually anytime we try to tell you “no,” like when you pull my hair (actually, it’s more of an intent-to-rip-hair-from-Mommy’s-head-clamp-and-jolt), you’ll stare at us for a second and then break into a smile and sometimes a giggle. (Meanwhile Daddy’s suggestion that I shave my head is sounding less and less absurd.) Basically, when you’re awake, you’re on the move and we have to be on alert or else you’ll be finding bits of something or another to shove in your mouth (where do you find these things?), investigating cords that can never be babyproofed enough, or like yesterday, pulling 25 or so wipes out in record speed (which I get is fascinating and I admit, had me cracking up).

Basically, Kiddo, you are a daredevil and it terrifies us when it’s not amusing us. This is why for Christmas I’m trying to find things that will help serve as outlets for your adventurous ambitions. I doubt it’ll keep you from wanting to explore, but I can try to divert your attention. I will say that you appear to have more balance and coordination than your Momma. You can thank Daddy for that.

Speaking of Christmas, Daddy and I started talking last night about what to tell you about Santa. (If you’re reading this much sooner than I anticipate, Santa is real. Now jump ahead over the rest of this paragraph.) We both agree that we want to emphasize to you the real significance of this time of year and holiday: Pumpkin pie. Of course. Just kidding. Obviously the most important part of this time of year is the birth of Jesus and that he was born to ultimately sacrifice himself to save us and to pay the price of our sins. His birth was God’s gift to us and it brought hope to the world. The eventual sacrifice of His own life was then the ultimate gift. This is why giving is such a big part of this season. (There were also the gifts from the shepherds, but this is my thought on it.) We definitely want to teach you how important giving is (any time of year, not just around the holidays), whether it’s time, a toy for a child who has none, even a simple gesture. With all of the “holiday spirit” though, there’s a lot of magic in the air this time of year. Santa is a part of that magic and my thought (Again, if you’re under the age of say, 10, Santa is real. Now jump down to the next paragraph.) is that I don’t want to rob you of years of believing in that magic. Any magic really. Your childhood should be magical and for as long as possible. I fear the impact when you find out that he isn’t real, that you’ll lose something in that, but I hope that you find magic in other forms. Even as an adult, I hope you find magic in the world. It’s all with how you choose to see things. A quote from one of our favorite shows really struck me:

Beckett: Why is it so important to you that I believe all this stuff about fates, psychics, and Santa Claus?

Castle: Because, if you don't even believe in the possibility of magic, you will never ever find it.

I want so badly for you to find magic, find joy, find wonder in this world—as a child and as an adult. I want you to use your imagination and see possibilities, I want you to daydream, I want you to dream big and make those dreams a reality. I want you to love your life.

One of the infinite perks about being your Momma is that I get to see things through your eyes. It’s wonderful. Everything looks different, brighter and more vibrant. Oh and you don’t miss anything. You watch us and things around you with intensity, like you’re trying to take in every single detail to understand it. I think this is connected to how you explore and are always looking for something new.

Little, I just love you so very much, more than I’ll ever be able to express.

“I love you through and through--Yesterday, today, and tomorrow too.”

(And every day after that, too.)

Love,

Momma

8 month letter (a week late)

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

...

Don't know how I lived without you

'Cause every time that I get around you

I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile

Oh sweet Little,

I am not going to talk about the fact that you're growing up so fast and that you're now two-thirds of a year old. The simple fact that I'm referring to your age in fractions is proof enough that your momma is an adorable newborn photo of you away from bursting into tears. It's not really sad tears either. It's just that I love this stage of yours. Not that I didn't love you as a newborn or any of the stages before. I love them all. It's like I want to keep all the different versions of you all at once. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited to see your big personality continue to develop--to see you learn how to stand and walk, which will inevitably lead to running [circles around your momma], a sparkle of mischief in your eyes and a huge smile plastered on your face, and the way you're going, wearing a harness like your daddy when he was little (because seriously Kiddo, if you're conscious, you don't sit still), not to mention talking, your words no doubt filled conviction and attitude.

What I'm trying to say in a very long, run-on sentence is this: You are such an awesome, brilliant, spunky, energetic, beautiful little girl.

Oh yes--and your momma is a proud, blubbering basketcase.

Can we talk for a second about your smile? There is so much joy in your eyes. Unbridled and sincere. Hold on tight to that, baby. I know you'll face challenges in different aspects of life (that's what makes you even stronger as a person), but Little, let yourself be happy and joyful. Don't let the challenges rob you of your happiness. There are things that are important that aren't too fun to deal with in life--like teething, for one thing, and in those cases, it's okay to cry, it's okay to be upset, but don't stress out over the other stuff that doesn't really matter in the long-run. Being positive and having that joy that lights up your face goes a long way.

Oh and big news! You're crawling. You mastered crawling forward (as opposed to the funny crawling backwards thing you had been doing before) and now there's no stopping you. You're crawling over to the dogs on their beds, toward the kitchen when someone's cooking when they should be giving you their full attention...it's endlessly entertaining. You were so proud of yourself when you finally got that left foot to cooperate and not stay tucked underneath of you. You're also figuring out how to pull yourself up on things. Now, I've mentioned before how you are a michievious little girl and it's even more so now that you're mobile. You know when you're testing your boundaries and trying to see how much you can get away with--you reserve a special smile for those moments and sometimes there's a giggle attached to it.

Let's see--you're also into bubbles, or rather the container and wand that make the bubbles. You also discovered your twin. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention her and do you not recall having to share real estate with a sibling in the womb? Well, she lives in the wall and she has the exact same toys as you. You love her. It's the most hilarious and endearing thing--you know, besides all the other hilarious and endearing things you do. Every day there's something or some things to add to the list. You also love spinning toys, like your alphabet zoo that reminds me of the wheel on the Price is Right. You've also mastered demolition. We build--or start building--and you knock it down. You're picking things up so fast, it's incredible.

Oh and one my favorite things you've started doing? Hugging. Oh my goodness, does it melt my heart. You'll stretch your hands out for me to pick you up, then you hug me so tight around my neck and don't even try to grab my hair. I can tell you're thinking about pulling it, but then you reconsider, pull back your hand and snuggle in close. Love. I don't know how you do it, but with just a hug and snuggle from you, anything that maybe had been stressing me out vanishes from my mind and there's just you and me.

Christmas is coming up soon and I've been thinking about what might await you under the Christmas tree. It's no secret and no surprise that we'll happily spoil you, but I think there's a negative association with the word "spoil." We also want to teach you to share and to give to others. This is a very important element and value we want to instill in you. There are so many less fortunate people, including kiddos, who hardly have anything at all. We are so blessed to have each other and to have all that we do. I hope to teach you to be thankful for everything you have and that you know that even without a single toy at all, you are still you: An amazing, vibrant person who has such a tremendous value in the world and in our lives. There are always going to be others who have more than you and there are always going to be others who have less than you. Help those who happen to have less and be happy with who you are and appreciate what you have.

That said, we want you to enjoy the heck out of your childhood and my thinking is this: I brought you into this world. I already love you with all my heart (and then some), as I should. Another responsibility and obligation (and I use those words in the most positive way because I don't consider it a burden in the least) is to provide the best for you.

Oh and in a couple weeks, we're going on our first family vacation. Little, I'm so excited to have a week straight to relax with you and Daddy, I almost can't stand it.

I love you, Little. You are my Most Thankful Thing.

Love,

Momma

Lyrics taken from "Smile" by Uncle Kracker

6 & 7 Month Letter

I don't need no one to tell me about Heaven.

I look at my daughter and I believe.

~"Heaven" by Live

Little snuggle puppy of mine,

I could try to tell you how much I love you. I could give you so many kisses on your sweet little cheeks to show you. I could cradle you close and whisper it in your ear as you drift off to sleep after reading one of our favorite bedtime books for the hundreth time so you hear me tell you. I could dance and twirl with you all over the room until you turn into a funny little giggle machine with me so you can feel my love for you. Do you want to know something though? As much as you see and feel and hear and think I love you, you still don't know how big my love for you is, how far it stretches, and how it multiplies on a daily basis.

Now Little, over the past few weeks or so, I've noticed you transforming. It's hard to believe. You went from being our little Peanut, who snoozed all the time and hardly opened her eyes to this almost-crawling Little, who wants every toy she sees and leaps fearlessly toward whatever captures her attention, has a mind of her own, a stubborn streak (coincidentally like your momma), wants to be the center of attention (which is unlike either your momma or your daddy), laughs with her whole body, and has a smile that rivals the sun with how much it lights up the world.

You've had a rough couple of weeks between an eye infection, a cold, a stomach bug, and you also have your first tooth! (Well, part of it.) The doctor says your second is on the way. Through it all, you've been such a trooper and put on a happy face.

You are so close to crawling forward that I can hardly stand it. It's really exciting and terrifying at the same time. Exciting because I see the determination in your eyes and I can just imagine the victorious expression on your face when you master it. Terrifying because I'll look frantically around the house because we have so much babyproofing to do and I know you're going to get into everything. You grab for everything as though you just have to know what everything is, what it does, what it tastes like. You want to know everything now. You have such a curiosity about everything around you, though not everything around you fascinates you. You get bored and you don't like to stay in one place ever. You definitely have opinions about what you like and don't like and you have your own way of showing us.

Little, you're getting mischievous. To say you have an obsession with pulling my hair is an understatement and you'll do anything to get to it. I was sitting on the couch one night with you on my tummy. You were touching my cheek all sweetly. So you're stroking my cheek and I imagine now you were thinking--"Yes Mommy, isn't this sweet? Here, I'll touch your nose, now your forehead. Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep sleepy Mommy..." and just as I let my guard down, you attacked. You leapt forward and grabbed my hair with both hands, which turned immediately into fists and you yanked my hair forward. Ouuuuuch. Of course you thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I couldn't help but be amused by your covert methods, despite the fact that I'll be bald soon at the rate you're ripping hair from my head.

I want you to know something. It's the whole theme of our favorite bedtime book. No matter what, I love you. Whether you're Chernobyl or won't stop pulling my hair or you turn into a terrible, meat-eating dinosaur, I will always love you. I am your Mommy, you are my Little. Nothing you can do to upset me will ever, ever change that or make me stop loving you.

I beam with pride at the little person you are and that I get to call you "mine." You change and grow and learn something new everyday and I'm so excited for you for every new discovery you make.

Love you forever and forever, love you with all my heart.

Love,
Mommy

5 Month Letter (a week late)

My sweet Little,

You are a hoot. Seriously, kiddo, you have quite the personality and I never get tired of just watching you. You chatter away in the car now, which is hilarious. Sometimes it sounds like you say "Mama" and "Dada," but it's mixed with a whole lot of Baby-nese. You have the biggest smile and you're really into diving into my shoulder when you're being shy, though I doubt very much that you're shy in any way, shape or form. You don't laugh out loud too much, though you'll crack up when we dance with you or generally act goofy. You know, behavior that will get an eye roll from you when you're a teenager. You're in the "give me" stage where basically you want everything in our hands or anything in a few foot radius of you. You'll thrust your arms straight out in front of you and make a grasping gesture with your hands. Whatever you grab promptly gets stuffed into your mouth and covered in drool.

Despite this, you're mostly gentle with the dogs and when you accidentally flail your arm and poke one of them in the eye, they forgive you immediately. You're not quite so gentle with your mommy after you've insisted on coming into our big bed in the middle of the night. You frequently smack me in the face and a few days ago, you actually punched me in the eye. Twice. Even so, your daddy and I are proud of the fact that you're a scrapper. For the most part, things don't phase you. For example, you absolutely love water. Particularly running water. In your baths, I'll let the water run for you for awhile at the beginning and the end. Well, the other day, you were holding your hands under the running water and you decided to lunge forward. Before I could stop you, you conked your head on the faucet. OUCH. I expected a red face and a lot of tears, but no. You went right back to going for the water. I've noticed that about you. When you put your mind on something, there's not a whole lot that will throw you off course. Another bath moment was when I was helping you "float." Strong thing that you are, you kicked off of me and dunked yourself so that your whole face was submerged. Again, I anticipated tears as I pulled you back up and snuggled you close. Do you want to know what you did? You smiled. Widely. Then you turned back to the tub and started reaching for the water. (Oh and we now have a frog spout cover to prevent future head/metal collisions...you like to gnaw on him and try to pull him off the spout.)

You've also got that rolling thing down, but you don't seem terribly interested in returning to laying on your back once you're on your tummy. You used to cry during tummy time. Now you'll just lay there and look around. Mostly though, you like to set your eyes on a toy to grab. You like the crinkly ones the best...or the ones with a lot of lights and music. You have a lot of toys already--the UPS man knows our house well. Your favorites right now are your soft blocks, your steering wheel/car (you have a bit of road rage to be quite honest), your sensory balls, and your drums. You also love story time. You'll watch me, rather than look at the book most of the time, which I love, but I'll also give you picture books that you'll actually flip through. You love looking at photos. One of your favorite things to do is hang upside down. You anticipate it now because everytime I'll say "Ready? 1, 2, 3..." and I can feel you preparing yourself for take off.

We've seen it before with you, but especially now, we can tell that you get bored easily. You want a different toy or a change of scenery all the time. You just want to take everything in, but it's like you know there is so much more to see. I love that. You have such an adventurous (and often times fearless) side to you.

It's amazing how much you've grown in 5 months. You and I were watching a couple videos from when you were only a few days old and really didn't even open your eyes much. You just liked to snuggle and sleep and coo. You were perfect as that itty bitty newborn and you're perfect now as the strong (and strong-minded), active, never wanting to sleep because you're afraid you'll miss something, chatty, and growing like a weed 5-month-old.

Your daddy and I just beam with pride at what a wonderful, smart, sweet, and beautiful little girl you are. (Oh my goodness are you a beautiful baby, too!) You make my heart happy, Little. I hope you know how much I love you. I'll give you a thousand smooches on your cute little cheeks all the time to make you smile, but also because I am simply overflowing with love for you.

"I love you, Stinky Face." "To the moon and back down to the dirt."

Love,
Mommy

4 month letter

Dear Little,

Love you forever and forever

Love you with all my heart

Love you whenever we're together

Love you when we're apart

These lyrics ring especially true today. Today is your first day at Nada's house (AKA: daycare). This morning wasn't easy for me. I know it's good for you to get used to other people and to socialize with other kiddos, but it's the protective momma bear instinct in me. A coworker told me that it's not the quantity of the time spent together, it's the quality and I suppose that's true. I would love more than anything to spend every moment with you, but this time apart does make the time with you even more precious. Let me tell you, we have a blast together. You are so fun to be around. You're just starting to be able to reach for things and hold onto them--anything I show you, you want to grab (and ultimately put in your mouth). You love "airplane" and basically any game that involves whooshing noises. You also adore bathtime. So do I. We just moved up to the big bath tub because of how much you kick your little legs (read: spill water all over the floor). I tried having your whale tub in the big bath tub and you weren't having it, but you loved it when I'd get in there with you. (In the big tub, not the whale tub. If I managed to squeeze my butt into the whale tub, it would be permanently attached.) You seem so comfortable in the water--I'll help you float and you'll dunk your head back and start chattering (I think to hear your voice echo off the walls).

Oh and guess what? You laughed the other night. It was amazing and sweet and as whole-hearted as your smile. Daddy and I were both sitting there, you were on his tummy and he was making goofy faces and noises. All of a sudden, you belly laughed. Did you know you hold the top 4 spots for my favorite sounds in the world? (AKA: The most wonderful sounds in the world.) Your laugh. Your coos when you sleep. When you cried right after you were born. Your heartbeat on the ultrasound when I was pregnant with you.

You may notice your crying now didn't make the list. Not surprisingly, I hate to hear you cry, but there are two things that make it even worse: You do this lip thing where you curl down your bottom lip and it quivers. Saddest face in the world. The other thing is that you'll cry actual tears. Both break my heart. It's adorable and sad and endearing all at once.

(continued next day) Daddy and I aren't sure what to think of the fact that you've had one day at daycare and you already have a boyfriend. In case you ever wonder about childhood sweethearts, a little boy named Ashton was in love with you at first sight. He kisses your forehead and it is just so cute because you absolutely light up. Admittedly, it makes me feel better that you have a protector (not that you need it--you're a scrapper) because your Mommy was having visions of little toddler tyrants who would steal your binkie and make you cry. Little did I know there would me a miniature Casanova just waiting for you.

You're quite the laid back baby. During bottles, you'll put one or both hands behind your head. Not a whole lot phases you. You hate, hate, hate that stupid nose sucker, but we both feel better when you can breathe clearly, and you get really cranky when you're exhausted, but refuse to let yourself fall asleep. It's like you don't want to miss anything. Despite being pretty relaxed, I get the feeling that you need a change of scenery a lot. I think you get bored being in the same room too much. You insist on being able to look around and this usually involves standing. You know the second we start to sit.

One of your favorite things to do is pull Mommy's hair. Then you don't let go. Many times you end up with a few strands in your tiny little fist. You also like to grip the sides of my head, yank me toward you, and attack my nose. This inevitably results in a lot of drool. I love it though. It makes me feel loved (and slimy, but mainly loved).

Now, I know you already realize that your parents are a couple of goofballs, evident by the fact that we find no shame in making fart noises to your endless amusement. (I find myself spontaneously doing this at work as though it's a song that's been stuck in my head.) It should come as no surprise then that your Daddy has personalized some songs for you.

In the Little, Little, Little, Little, Little Room

In the Little, Little, Little, Little, Little Room

All the bottles are drank

And the diapers wet

In the Little, Little, Little, Little, Little Room

You find this hilarious, especially when accompanied by the dance.

Kaelyn, words cannot express what a wonder you are to me. What an amazing little girl you are. How much I love you and how much I am enamored with every little thing you do. You have a feistiness about you and you express yourself with such certainty. There is such confidence behind your opinions of what you like and what you don't. Hold onto that conviction, baby. Be strong always. Have faith in yourself and keep that determination I see in your eyes.

I can't imagine a more beautiful, remarkable little girl in all the world. I am and will always be grateful and in awe that I get to be your Mommy.

I love you, to the moon and back down to the dirt.

Love,

Mommy

3 month letter (almost a week late)

My Little Kaelyn,

I have so many nicknames I call you that it makes it hard to decide how to address this letter. Of my most frequently used: Little, Baby Girl, Munchkin, Pumpkin, occasionally Fuss-Fuss...we're always inventing new names for you. None of which really express what an amazing little girl you are. You come up with something new everyday to make us love you even more than we already do.

Where to start, Kiddo? I had intended to write these every month, but got side-tracked from doing the first two by snuggling with you and doing whatever possible to make you smile. I absolutely LOVE your smile. You get your entire face involved. Your eyes squint up and you open your mouth as wide as you can manage. It's a playful, whole-hearted smile and it erases any stress from my mind. Oh and when you laugh, you toss your head back and you've started making a little squeak when you do this, which cracks me up. You're "talking" more, which is also thoroughly amusing. Your noises have always captivated your Daddy and me, starting with your sweet little coos in the hospital while you slept. Oh my goodness, what a precious little thing you were--and are.

I suppose it's clear at this point that my letters will have no set format and will mainly consist of me doting on you. I can't help it. You know, I said we were wrapped around your finger before you were born, but that multiplied infinitely the second you were born and we saw you and realized that funny little baby entertaining us on the ultrasounds was actually you. I should mention that the second you were born, you were screaming bloody murder for a good 20 minutes. We should have been terrified.

I remember when they finally handed you over to me and I could finally wrap my arms around you and hold you close to me. They had just finished cleaning us both up and we were both feeling a bit--er--vulnerable. Your lip was still quivering and you had, no joke, just tried to bite the nurse. (Again, we should have been terrified.) I took you in my arms though and started talking to you. I offered my pinky finger as a substitute pacifier, as the hospital seemed to have ceased offering Soothies. You immediately quieted down and it felt like my first triumph as a parent.

There have been so many moments when I feel such a sense of joy that you're really my daughter. I'm really your mommy. I get so excited about all the places and things I want to show you and all the fun we're going to have. I have to remind myself how fast you're going to grow up and then I focus back on what we're doing. You're definitely teaching me to take things at a slower pace and also to recognize what's really important. There really isn't much that's truly important in this world--you and your daddy are my world (and the doggies too!) I just want to give you all that you deserve...which is everything. There are certainly lots of travels and adventures in our future, Kiddo, but let's just take things slow...and by that (for you), I mean don't grow up too fast, okay?

You're definitely strong, both physically and in mind/personality. You're feisty. I love that about you. I get the feeling sometimes that you're training us. Last night, for example, you started crying after Daddy put you in your pack 'n play. He had gone downstairs to get a couple things and I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I came running to replace your binkie and as soon as I appeared above you, you grinned at me. Then you cracked this huge smile as I offered you your binkie, as though to say, "Made you look!"

Now, about all those milestones they talk about: You've been rolling on an incline for awhile now and are getting closer to doing this on a level surface, though you get a bit annoyed when I lay you on your tummy and try to get you to roll. You love "standing" and though you're a bit wobbly, we just have to hold you very gently around your waist and you support your own weight. You almost fully support your own head (which is in the 87th percentile so this is no small feat) and your neck seems strong. The only time you're a little floppy is when you've fallen asleep on one of us.

Speaking of sleeping, you thankfully take sleeping very seriously. You can be quite squirmy and you do not like it at all when your binkie falls out of your mouth so it perplexes us why you will spit it out repeatedly and then immediately panic to find it, but you're still a very good sleeper. You finally did graduate from your car seat to the pack 'n play with a sleep positioner, but you'll fuss in your sleep in the very early morning hours resulting in you freeing your legs from your blanket and sticking them up in the air...and a missing binkie. It's at this point, I'll pull you into bed with me and you'll settle within seconds. I do love snuggling with you and you seem to sleep the best when you're snuggling or laying on either of our chests, however, this arrangement usually results in a tiny hand smacking me in the face right around 6am. I wouldn't say you're an early morning baby--you're usually pretty loopy at that time and just want your bottle (and boy do you chug it!) Usually we'll play or read a book and you're ready to snooze again. The next time you wake up, you are the happiest baby on the planet.

Your favorite toy right now is definitely your Lumpy. It's a very soft blanket with a little stuffed animal elephant (one of the Heffalumps from Winnie the Pooh) on top. You tuck it under your arm and occasionally use it to cover your eyes when you want to sleep and it's just too bright for you. Runner-up is Jorge, a giraffe rattle, though a lot of the time we'll give him to you and the next thing we know, he's three feet away from you on the floor.

You do have quite a few toys and as soon as you start sitting on your own, I'm sure you'll be playing with them a lot. Hopefully by that time, I'll have your playroom mural finished and we can relocate the toys out there. (I think having the toys on the floor of your nursery is triggering Daddy's OCD reflexes.) Playtime is getting more interactive, which is a blast. You love to play "airplane" and you're endlessly entertained by us making funny noises for you. We'll do anything for a smile from you, including doing goofy dances. (Sometimes you just stare/scowl at us and make a face to say "Seriously, who are these people?"

You're getting more interested in your under-the-sea adventure gym, as well as photographs. You also love to kick. Your legs are in motion most of the time, which explains how much my belly would jump around when I was pregnant. Your daddy still says that you're practicing your kick saves. Anyways, because of all this kicking you've been doing, we like to take one of the bouncer toy bars, which will start playing music if you touch it, and position it by your feet. You get a kick (quite appropriately) when it starts playing after hitting it with your foot.

We both like to read to you a lot. Daddy prefers the Berenstain Bears collection, while I find myself reciting the tongue-twisting rhymes of Dr. Seuss, though when you were very young (and tended to sleep through reading time), I had started reading Eclipse from the Twilight Saga (this is why your daddy teases me that you're going to be into vampires). They say it doesn't matter what you read, but the more words you hear, the better. Since then, I ordered a bunch of books for you and we're working our way through them. My favorite bedtime book to read you so far has been Time for Bed. It has the momma animals saying goodnight to their babies.

I still don't know who you look more like. I think you're a pretty even mix of your daddy and me. Sometimes I see more of him, sometimes more me. It really doesn't make a difference either way--you look like you. You're our Kaelyn, our Little, and our Fuss-Fuss and you're perfect.

I love you so much, Baby Girl. To the moon and back down to the dirt.

Love, Mommy

37-38 weekish letter

Dear Peanut,

Well kiddo, we made it to full-term and beyond. Anytime's fine with me for you to make your arrival. Really. Anytime. I'll wait.

I do feel a little bit like a ticking time bomb. Everyone's on high alert and keep checking in to see if there's any news. If they only knew I was kicked back on the couch watching the Olympics and pondering a snack choice during their inquiry. I kind of feel like I should be doing something else. Something productive. Then I get over it. I have my waves of productivity these days, but this weekend was really about getting well. Your daddy and I have been sick for a couple weeks now and I definitely didn't think it was a good idea to go into labor exhausted from that. Labor's enough of an energy drainer. Of course, you're going to give me the quickest, most pain-free labor, riiight? Oh that's right, that would be the anesthesiologist...the pain-free part at least. Hopefully.

Anyways, your daddy is also getting antsy to meet you. It's rather funny. It's definitely hit him that you'll be here soon. He keeps saying "We'll have a little bundle of joy here soon." He wants so much to do everything right for you. I have no doubt in my mind that he's going to be an amazing dad. It's one of the things I knew about him when we first started dating. He is the most thoughtful, sweet and caring person I have ever met. Plus he's funny. He'll do anything to make you laugh. (And I'm sure you'll find him blowing raspberries on your tummy far more hilarious than I ever have.) Just try not to take (too much) advantage over the fact that you're not even born yet and you have him completely wrapped around your little finger. I can hardly wait to see the two of you together.

Everything's sort of slowing down as we finish up our to-do's (the absolute musts, at least) and it's becoming more and more real to us that you're on your way. We took our last class at the hospital last week. (By the way, the lullaby they play throughout the hospital when a baby is born becomes far more profound the closer we get to your arrival date...when it goes off when we're there in Labor & Delivery, I might actually sob.) I am convinced your kicking and rolling were a response to my same assessment that the class was, in fact, sponsored by Medela. Perhaps you were also as amused as your dad when the instructor took on a hands-on approach to showing each and every pregnant woman in the class (there were 20+ plus their husbands) how to encourage her baby to feed. I tried very hard to hold that doll exactly as she showed every girl before me, whether it was cradle hold or football hold, as to prevent such a violation of my personal space and the woman still insisted on groping your poor momma's boob. My favorite part of the class (I did have a favorite.) was learning about Kangaroo Care and just holding our doll like that warmed my little heart because I get to hold you soon and I just get beside myself thinking of that. I can be so stressed, but I think of holding you and being able to feel your heart beating against my chest and I feel peaceful. Nothing else matters. Just getting you here safe and getting to hold you.

You've been pretty active lately with your rolls and nudges and occasional jabs. Today, you're a bit mellow though, despite my pestering. I'm wondering if that means you've figured out that you've expanded your real estate as much as you can and perhaps it's time to "blow this popsicle stand," as your dad sometimes says. (I think this is a movie quote, but I have yet to identify the source.) Anyways, I know I'll miss seeing and feeling you move my belly. It's incredible knowing how far you've come and how big you've gotten. (Aha, there you go. You've responded to my poking by jabbing me in the bladder. Fair enough.) I'm so ready to meet you face to face though, kiddo. I want to snuggle with you and talk to you and watch you discover the world.

So, when you're ready, we're ready. (Or as ready as we'll ever be.)

I love you, little girl.

Love,
Mommy

36 week letter

Dear Peanut,

It's been so long since I wrote you a letter. I guess I get to talk and sing to you all day long so it doesn't seem necessary. We've also been so busy getting ready for you. Your nursery is looking fantastic. It's neither boyish or girlish, which is perfect to me. Plus there's a giant polar bear in there and that obviously adds to the cool factor. I love just standing in your room, especially at night. I can hardly wait to rock you to sleep. I can hardly wait to show you your daddy's photography on the walls, as well as the little wall quotes/art I made especially for you. Sweetie, I can hardly wait to meet you.

You know, earlier in the pregnancy I told you how much I loved you already, but baby girl, that doesn't even compare to how much I love you now. I absolutely adore you and gush over you already and you're not even born yet. I can only imagine how much this will continue to multiply once you're here. We already know Daddy's wrapped around your little finger and there's probably very little trouble you could cause that you couldn't get out of by batting your little eyelashes, but I'll tell you a little secret. Your momma's admittedly wrapped around the other pinky finger. I just want to snuggle with you and kiss your little toes and your little cheeks and I wouldn't really consider myself a lovey dovey, mushy type of person to start. Thinking about just spending time with you makes me happy.

We get to see you today, at least on an ultrasound. It's not the same as having you to hold, but it's been almost 10 weeks since we saw you last. I'm curious to see just how big you are now. They say babies don't move around as much at the end of pregnancy. Yeah, I don't think you got the memo. It definitely feels like you're squished, but you seem to either really want me to know you're all smushed or you're just trying to get comfy. You absolutely don't like anything touching the belly other than our hands, which seem to calm you. You will kick away the laptop, the Wii remote, and you're already trying to move mountains (or in this case, my work desk). According to the doctor, you're head-down and on auto-pilot, though I'm curious as to how hanging upside down all day doesn't give you a blood rush to the head. Hopefully you're still in that position though. I get the feeling you are. Literally. I don't think you've necessarily "dropped" into position like you eventually will, but it seems you're Mapquesting your exit route.

Alright, baby girl, as always, stay healthy, keep up the good work and I'll really get to see you soon.

I love you so much my little Kaelyn.

Love,
Mommy

26 week letter (a couple of days late)

Dear Peanut,

I can hardly believe how fast time is going. It's the day after Thanksgiving already and I'm more than halfway through my Christmas shopping already. When I think about how Christmas will be here before we know it and then it'll be New Years, I get the feeling your due date will come creeping up just as fast. In a matter of 3 months or so, I'll get to hold you in my arms. That's so amazing to me.

You're growing really fast, finally getting some baby fat. Believe me, I can feel it. You're measuring a week ahead at this point, but I think it has to do with your position. You like to sit low and I can definitely feel the extra couple of pounds pulling forward on me. At least there's something other than my own clumsiness throwing off my equilibrium. I went to bend forward the other day to pet Gracie I think and I nearly did a somersault. I'm also told it's very obvious that I'm pregnant. I've also been asked if it's twins. I've also had people who see me all the time be oblivious to the fact that I'm pregnant. This particular statement led your dad and me to be thoroughly amused and refer to my belly as my "cheeseburger belly." (Which, funny enough, I happen to be eating right now. Actually it's a turkey burger. Much healthier. We'll pretend the fries are a figment of our imaginations.) In any case, the belly is pretty far out there. I may start waddling soon without realizing it.

Anyways, your size comparison right now is a 13-inch work boot or an eggplant. I think a work boot sounds more intimidating. Really, you're bigger. Longer, anyways. I think 14+ inches is about average and you're 2+ pounds. You're getting stronger now, throwing your weight around. I noticed lying in bed yesterday how you can see my belly jump out where you kick. It's pretty neat. You and I played a little game once I discovered this. You've got personality already, kiddo.

You're getting more of a sleep/wake schedule that I can recognize too. It seems like you take about 2 hour stretches of naps/quiet time. If you keep your same schedule after you're born, you'll make your momma very happy. I do notice you moving a lot more during the night. Enough to wake me up, but I think it's on track for a good nighttime feeding schedule. In my best case scenario, your dad would get to pick up the 6am feedings while I'm on maternity leave so I can catch some much needed Z's. Then you nap until 8 or so, oki doki? Sound like a deal? (Yes, I realize I'm bargaining with my 26 week old fetus.)

Today was Black Friday shopping. You'll get to know this tradition when you're a little older. It was actually only my second experience with this, but we did fairly well. Your dad competed with a bunch of pregnant ladies and claimed you a glider/rocker with ottoman and a high chair. Our house is starting to fill up with all your gear. For being such a little person, you sure do need a lot of stuff! I love it.

We had our hospital tour this week too. How surreal and exciting. We're really comfortable with the hospital we've picked and it was great to see where you'll be coming into this world. That is, if your dad's fantasy of me giving birth at the Avalanche/Coyotes game we're planning to attend the day after your due date and the Avs players having to, of course, assist in the delivery doesn't come true. We got to walk through the doors we'll be passing through in the rush and exhilaration of realizing you're really on your way and it'll only be a matter of hours until we meet you. We got to walk the halls I'll probably be pacing before I call in for reinforcements, AKA the anesthesiologist with my epidural. We also got to hear the lullaby over the intercom (twice) that we'll get to play after you're born. It plays through the entire hospital. When I heard it, I admit it, I got a little misty. Like I said in my last letter, I may very well be a blubbering, sobbing idiot when you're born.

Alright kiddo, well I think this letter has gotten fairly long so I'll close out for now. You're doing so great. Grow, grow, grow, try to resist continuing to use my bladder as a trampoline, and grow some more. I love you more than you know.

Love,
Mommy

24 week letter (a couple of days late)

Dear Baby Girl,

You've acquired a new nickname: "Goalie." This, like your original nickname "Peanut" came from your dad, but he gave you this new one after feeling you for the first time from the outside last night. You've been stubborn up to this point with showing off just how strong you are, but not anymore! The look on his face was priceless. He kind of got this Cheshire cat grin and he got so excited...and proceeded to give you (meaning me) raspberries and tell you he loves you. It goes without saying, but you have him wrapped around your teeny tiny finger already.

You're definitely getting bigger. I'm told one day I wasn't showing that much and then one day I just popped out. That was weeks ago and the belly just keeps getting bigger. It still looks like an over-inflated donut since my belly button refuses to flatten out yet. The size comparisons are monthly now on most websites, but it'll change again next week. Right now you're a little longer than an ear of corn so a little over a foot long. You're about a pound and a half. My goodness, you've come such a long way. The time has gone by surprisingly fast considering how anxious I was to get to this point in the pregnancy. I can only imagine how fast the rest of the pregnancy will go with the holidays coming up.

We might get to see you again on Wednesday depending on if Dr. Doan thinks they got good enough photos of you last time. I kind of hope she wants to take another peek, but we won't have to wait too long to see you after that anyways. We scheduled a 3D/4D ultrasound for the beginning of December, which I am really excited for. Yes, I know you don't like the wand. You made that clear in previous ultrasounds when you mooned us. Not to mention repeatedly staring us down, using the 2D effects to make yourself look like Skeletor. It didn't deter us. We thought it was adorable. I'm also convinced upon a closer look at some of your most recent photos, that you inadvertently flipped us the bird. Again, adorable.

I have to say, after all these 2D looks, it'll be so surreal seeing you in 3D. I can hardly wait, but wow. We'll get to see your chubby cheeks and sweet little face. Whose nose do you have? Do you have a full head of hair like your momma was born with? Do you sleep with your hand by your face like it seemed at your last ultrasound? Will you be smiling or yawning...or hiccupping as usual? Just thinking about it makes me tear up a little because Kiddo, you're my daughter. I love you so much already.

That said, just a warning, I might sob out of happiness at your birth. Don't worry, you'll be crying too, but probably moreso because you were nice and comfy in your increasingly cozy home during these 9 months and weird people are sticking things up your nose and suctioning stuff out of your throat...and the lights, good grief, the lights! For the record, I've never liked fluorescent lighting and played no role in its invention or continued commercial use so I apologize in advance for the glaring intensity as you make your way into the world.

Anyways, we're continuing to get ready for you. Your wardrobe continues to multiply, so much so that I need to buy more hangers. I'm also working on art for your nursery. Now, I don't fancy myself a painter--I'm better at sketching and charcoals--but they're looking pretty good. The rest is in a bit of disarray, but we'll get there. The dogs LOVE your room, despite the fact that there isn't much in it. I get the feeling they'll be very protective of you. Gracie is particularly fond of sniffing all your clothes. (Budaj tends to try to eat them.) She adores babies and I think she'll just adore you, even if you tug on her ears or drool on her head. After all, she's a bit of a drooler herself, you'll be two peas in a pod.

As you can probably tell by the length of this letter, I'm feeling so much better than I did earlier on. I have a lot more energy and I feel great, actually. For that, I thank you.

I have to say, the best parts of my day are the times when you're kicking. I love, love, LOVE having those moments with you.

As usual, the only thing I ask is that you keep on growing.

I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

Post migration

I'm in the process of migrating some posts from a private blog I started when we first found out we were expecting, but weren't telling anyone. So far, I've moved over some of the letters I've written to our little peanut. If you're curious about reading them (since this is on my 101 things in 1001 days list and all), scroll over on the left hand side to the blog labels and click "Letters to Peanut." :)

22 week letter

Dear Peanut,

Well, it's confirmed x 3. You are my precious little GIRL. I'm so excited, I really am...which is not to say that had you flashed us male parts that I wouldn't be excited, but if you want to know the truth, I really wanted a girl. So did your dad. This isn't to say we won't try to give you a baby brother someday, but we definitely had visions of having a daughter.

I find I can't look too far ahead because picturing you as a teenager scares the bejeebus out of me. We see all the scantily dressed high schoolers on their way to school every morning and it's terrifying to the point that if you came trouncing in wearing short shorts and UGG boots, your dad might have a coronary. I'm not kidding.

So I'll put blinders onto the fact that one day you'll be that age and concentrate on what a sweet little baby you will be. How it's almost inevitable you'll have dark brown hair and a toss up for your eye color. I can picture you with your hair long, playing at the park. I can't wait to hold you and read you stories and build forts with you.

I'm feeling you move and kick more and more. You have a particular interest in my right hip bone. It doesn't move, by the way. You seem to love early evenings and like your momma, you could do without early mornings. You're a very active little squirt. Everyone who's tried to get a heartbeat reading or done an ultrasound has said so. You also seem to have a lot of personality. You have a stubborn streak that can be blamed on your Irish heritage (your dad) or me. It's probably me. I can be pretty bull-headed, if that's the correct animal affiliation.

We took you to your first sporting events this month--two basketball games and a hockey game! Lucky you. I think all the noise at the WNBA Finals game (Mercury won!) definitely disturbed you. I blame the 12-year-old satan child in front of us who constantly smacked the inflatable noisemakers together. You were rolling around a lot that game. Same for the Coyotes game. We took it as a good sign, though if you had started punching at the left side of my belly toward where Uncle Philip was sitting, we could have confirmed in utero that you have good team loyalty. (Actually, you just started doing your wild speed boxing move into that side as I type!)

We're two weeks past my scary fruit comparison and you're still growing strong. The ultrasound tech estimated you to be almost a pound and you should be about 11 inches at this point. You're about the size of an over-inflated football. Alternatively, you're the size of a spaghetti squash. Now, I'm not familiar with that particular kind of squash, but let me tell you, it's a heck of a lot bigger than a quarter and infinitely bigger than your poppy seed beginnings. Admittedly, the watermelon comparison frightens me...a lot, but I want you to keep on growing and packing on the pounds, kiddo. We still have some important milestones to hit over the next few weeks.

Oh, and your nursery is freshly painted with new floors. Also, you have more clothes than me and you're not even born yet.

I love you.

Love,
Mommy

18 week letter

Dear Peanut,

So I haven't written, but my goodness have I been thinking about you. It's hard not to. Everything seems to revolve around you and our future with you. It's easy to have tunnel vision. So much has happened. We've seen you 3 more times, which has been amazing. You're a wiggle worm and you don't sit still! Some of the big news is that you have a name! (We considered keeping "Peanut," but I'm not sure you would appreciate it.) So Miss Kaelyn Evangeline, we are so excited to be expecting you.

Obviously you're a girl, though don't expect too much girly stuff in your wardrobe. We won't be strapping huge bows to your head, though I do like those ruffle butt shorts. I don't know why, but I find them precious on little diapered baby butts. I don't like purple much so your estrogen-infusion will likely be pink, but I suspect your wardrobe will primarily be gender neutral and hockey-themes. Hopefully you'll like hockey and get your daddy's sense of balance. Your momma isn't known for her gracefulness, that's for sure.

Now, your name is special to us because you're named after both of your grandmas. My mom's middle name is Kay and your dad's mom's name is Linda so we combined these and just changed the spelling a little. We just loved your middle name from the first time we heard it (specifically in a British accent on Nanny McPhee). Kaelyn Evangeline...it's a very sweet sounding name. Deceiving considering we goofily dream of you being the first starting female NHL goalie. No pressure.

We're already talking about your future, what schools you'll attend, and how we want to be sure we travel with you and give you those life experiences. We're definitely planners. We want the world for you.

It's so fun getting to know you, even before we really do. Like I said, you're so active. Even the doctor yesterday commented on this. You don't stay in one place. Most babies just chill out in the womb, but not you. You're doing somersaults and testing your boundaries. I am just starting to be able to feel this. I can feel little tapping and sometimes I swear I feel the whirling effect of you flipping. You seem to have personality already. You like to look directly at the camera as though you're staring us down and at one point, you made binoculars out of your little hands. You also like to moon us. What a little booger you are already. That would be your dad's influence. Another thing is that you don't seem to like mornings and that's how I know we share the same DNA. I don't blame you, I really don't, but your dislike of mornings make my mornings much tougher to deal with.

On that note, I must add this plea: Kiddo, I have been nauseous for over 11 weeks now. This was supposed to end after 1st trimester. That was 6 weeks ago. I know I like to take my time and not be rushed so I imagine you're the same way, but seriously? Give your poor momma a break.

So there's a lot going on here in the outside world. We're changing out the flooring in the bedrooms so your nursery will have new floors very soon. Goodbye yucky carpet! By "we" I mean your dad, grandpa, and uncle, of course. I think I'll put another coat of paint on your walls and get some other things done while they work. We're also celebrating our 1 year anniversary this month by having a spa day and going out for dinner. Holidays are coming up quick too! I'm excited to decorate for Christmas, but I'm not sure how early I could get away with setting them up. Perhaps November. October would be pushing it.

Well I hope you're finding Momma's belly nice and comfy. Stay put and keep growing. I love you.
Love,
Mommy

13 week letter

Hi Sweetie,

Yes, I know the letters have been few and far between. I haven't been feeling particularly great lately, but I do believe we are turning a corner, my little Peanut. We're now in the 2nd trimester, which is supposedly the "honeymoon of pregnancy." Let's hope so, if you're wanting any siblings. I'm not gonna lie, 1st trimester was miserable enough to have me thinking of making you our one and only. I believe this is when the amnesia that strikes all women starts and I'll forget all of the nausea, all of the days where I literally felt like I was turning green at the gills. The amnesia is necessary for them to willingly sign up for it all again, but don't get me wrong. It's all worth it for you. Really. I know I am unbelievably blessed to be having you. I won't forget that.

So this week you're pretty much done developing your major organs, which is the reason for the balancing of hormones and me feeling a bit better. There's less demand on me. Hopefully my energy will return soon too. We've got miles and miles of walking to do at Disneyland in a couple weeks, Kid. There's some pretty delicious food in the bargain if you're good. (Let's face it, there's some delicious food in the bargain even if you're not.) You're also about the size of a peach and you're growing quickly! It's surreal to think you were once the size of a poppy seed and you're going to be the size of a watermelon by the time you're born. Oddly enough, the fruit comparison that frightens me the most is not the pumpkin or even the watermelon. It's the cantaloupe. Perhaps because it's so much closer to where I am now and my mind cannot fathom my tummy expanding to accomodate either of the other two so I happily cover my ears and shake my head in denial.

I think pregnancy teaches patience. We had to wait 5 weeks to get confirmation from the doctor that you were real after finding out I was pregnant. From then, we have to wait upwards from 9-10 weeks before finding out if you're a boy or a girl. At our first appointment, we got to see your heartbeat, but we didn't get to hear it, so your impatient momma rented a home doppler so we could. You were too low in my belly at first, but it's gotten pretty easy to find you...until you start squirming, that is. Your heartrate has been strong and fast since the beginning. You've stayed pretty close to the high 170s. It's been really reassuring to be able to plop the little wand on my belly and find you. Moms worry. It's a fact of life. Hearing that whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, has really been awesome.

The next milestone is feeling you move and kick. I can hardly wait.

I love you, little one. With all my heart.

Love,
Mommy

9 week letter

Dear Peanut,

You do exist! We finally got to see you on Tuesday and I think it's starting to feel real. You seemed to be snoozing, nestled against me, but that little heart of yours was beating so fast! That's all I really wanted to see. That beautiful heartbeat of yours. The only thing that would have made it better would have been hearing it, but they didn't have sound hooked up. We did get some great pictures though. I like to gaze at them and marvel in the fact that you really are growing into a little person in my belly.

You're almost an inch long now, just about the size of a green olive. I like to refer to you as our little Godard baby. Your dad and I bought a piece of artwork on our honeymoon cruise by Michael Godard, who does most of his work involving green olives, so it's a particularly endearing nickname to us. You're also officially a FETUS this week, having graduated from your status as an embryo. This is a huge deal. The next milestone is 2nd tri. Let's get there quick, okay kiddo? If you'd like to ease up on the nausea and morning sickness before then, it'd be fantastic. Your poor mom is having a hard time right now. You hate anything dry so snack type foods like crackers aren't appetizing in the least. You like real food like your momma, but after just a couple bites, you're done. I've learned that the hard way when I'm tried to continue eating. My list of food aversions is growing. I knew you didn't like orange juice, but even oranges taste like toothpaste. Actually everything tastes different now. It's like my sense of smell and taste are heightened, but it's not all that enjoyable.

Another big thing happening this week is that we're starting to tell people about you. My mom, your Nana, is the first on our list due to scheduling issues. We wanted to tell her and your Grandad at the same time, but that just wasn't happening because he was flying out of town to work on his plane. That'll be fun. She'll be thrilled. We're also telling your dad's parents, Grandma and Grandpappy on Saturday. We also have some friends on our list to tell on Sunday. It'll be fun telling everyone and seeing their reactions. I'm preparing myself to have my belly manhandled. I'll try to keep from telling them it's fat/bloat and not actually you, but I can't make any promises.

I get the feeling this letter is kind of sloppily put together, but honestly kid, I'm exhausted. I just haven't felt well and haven't been sleeping well. You're so worth it, I know you'll show me this every single day once you're here, but it's a little rough right now. Despite the fact that you literally make me sick, I love you so much Peanut. Keep on growin', keep on growin'!

I love you.

Love,
Mommy