Twinks Gets Fit...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Retraining my brain

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I'm still the same

Take what you want steal my pride
Build me up or cut me down to size
Shut me out but I'll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me (oh ooh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that!
~"Strip Me" by Natasha Bedingfield

If you had spotted me pounding away at the pavement or trails this past week, posture a little straighter, head up and a confident, focused, and determined expression on my face, I may very well have had this song blaring through my ear buds.

This week, besides focusing on water and fiber intake, was about conquering demons. It's an ongoing process of dealing with lifelong confidence issues, of looking self-doubt and fear straight in the face, of examining some downright awful statements that people have said to me that I've dragged around with me up to this point.

Tall order for 7 days, which is why it's continuous. Weight loss isn't just about losing weight. It's a whole makeover, outside and in. You can reinvent the outside, but if you don't do something about the inside then it's just asking for failure and relapse into old thinking and habits.

Just after I hit the 50 lb milestone this week, I found myself afraid. Anxious. Discouraged. (PMS didn't help my emotional spiral on that particular day.) I worried that I wouldn't reach my ultimate goal. I worried that I'd give up. I worried that I would get lazy. I worried that I would gain all the weight back. I got on the scale on Wednesday, had gained back the pound that got me to the milestone and I wanted to burst into tears. (I figured out later that morning that I was in the PMS danger zone and felt much better about my near-melodrama on the scale.) I reasoned then that the weight was probably due to my impending period and the fact that my digestive system seems to have shut down.

So I moped on Wednesday. I went home from work, made myself a Frappe to try to feel better. Did it work? No, but it was delicious. You know what did get me squealing with laughter? Playing with Little outside in her gigantic whale pool. I attached the hose to the tube to make the blowhole sprayer work and got drenched when the seal wasn't secure. Oh and Little thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Calories do not = happiness or comfort. Enjoying life = happiness and comfort and so much more.

This week I started writing down one thing every day that I did well. Taking a line from the Biggest Loser theme: "What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

Monday: I walked even when I thought it would be too hot. (Which it was, at least for returning to work.)
Tuesday: I listened to my body and rested and kept a good attitude.
Wednesday: Did the stairs. A lot.
Thursday: Rebounded from a bad emotional day on Wednesday and felt strong despite setbacks.
Friday: I took a compliment.
Saturday: We went to an Asian buffet and I didn't completely over-do it and stuck mainly to sashimi and sushi.
Sunday: I stayed well within points despite the temptation to graze.

Alright, enough about my emotional breakthrough. If you're reading this, you want to get to the weigh-in. Well, the weigh-in this morning was a tad...disappointing. I stayed about the same from my weigh-in on Tuesday when I hit the 50 lb milestone. My body is slowly getting back on track and do you want to know the secret? I promise it's not terribly "TMI."

Healthy fats.

When you're on a diet or making a "lifestyle change," you tend to cut out a lot of fat. Guess what? Our bodies need healthy fats to function properly. By the way, healthy fats are things like olive oil and canola oil, not In 'n Out Burger. Bummer, I know. Also, water intake. Take your weight and divide in half. That's the number of ounces of water you should be drinking. More if you're "fluffy". Also, fiber. I read that most people only get maybe 10g a day. Women should be getting at least 25g, men should be getting 35g (I'm not sure why it's so much more for men). Oh, but don't eat a ton of fiber and not be drinking enough water--it'll bring things to a screeching halt.

Anyway, not thrilled with the weigh-in, but I know I didn't drink enough water all weekend. For some reason, I'm more regimented at work. I plan my day knowing I'm going to need to get off my tush and refill my Klean Kanteen. At home, I don't eat 5-6 times a day (with healthy snacks) like I do at work. Home is definitely the downfall of my weight loss because I get distracted. I have better things to do and on my mind than at work. No offense, work, I'm happy to be employed during this difficult fiscal time for our country.

I briefly considered switching my weigh-in days as a result, but then I figured out it's going to seriously mess up my WW stuff. If I switch my weigh-in day that switches up when my weekly allowance starts and ends, same for activity points, etc. Eh. So I opted to simply work on this aspect of my life. I need to anyway.

So I will take this weigh-in with all its fluctuations throughout last week and take the just over a pound weight loss. I anticipate a good number for this week to really get me on track. I've decided to check in with measurements the first Monday of each month, but I will say that I put on a pair of shorts I haven't worn in probably 3-4 years yesterday.

I didn't think they'd fit. I've sort of been at odds with shorts for awhile. They're either too short or too tight or simply didn't fit right--plus I had a real issue with showing my pasty legs and the cellulite on my upper legs. Well, I slipped them on and they easily buttoned--there was no sucking in of the gut or sprawling across the bed to get them zipped involved. Actually, the waist felt a little loose to start. My legs are still ghost white, as they rarely see the light of day, but I didn't care. I could see some room for improvement with them (nothing stair climbing won't fix), but I didn't see the same texture of cellulite that I remember from the past. Huh. I've had circulation issues and water retention issues since before the Hubs and I tied the knot where my legs would be absolutely solid with fluid and look very heavy. Obviously this got worse when I got pregnant. Now I don't have that issue--I drink tons of water, I eat well, I exercise, I do dry body brushing to help my circulation (body brush available for like $6-10 at Ulta), and my legs feel sooo much better and lighter. Oh and by the way, dry body brushing is supposed to help break up cellulite and promoting better circulation also helps tighten loose skin after weight loss. Ask my hips and tummy.

I think once I get to goal weight and really start replacing my wardrobe, it'll still take awhile to adjust to a new body image. It was a big step to put on those shorts yesterday and then decide to wear them because most of the time, I still think I'm as big as I was at my heaviest. I feel that self-consciousness coming to mind. I get discouraged and upset with myself for not being the weight I'd like to be. I still get the impulse to cover up, thus why most days I still wear one of the all-popular fly-away cardigan style shirts to work. It's easy to pull it closed a bit to hide the muffin top. Oh and as long as I'm on the topic of work clothes? I hate, loathe, and detest two pairs of my work pants. They're plain black so they shouldn't offend me so much--it's not like they're orange plaid or something, but they're just not comfy. They don't fit right anymore, but I'm way too much of a cheapskate to replace them when I'm likely going to go down 2-3 pants sizes in the next few months. They say once you get closer to your goal weight, it takes fewer pounds lost to actually move down a size so I'm trusting the expertise of these internet strangers. I'd like a change of 3 pants sizes, but my goal measurements and so forth point to 2 more.

I plan to do an overhaul of my closet, clear out all the clothes that don't make me feel good and I think I'll make a rule of thumb that I don't buy any clothes that I don't love. It really is true that the dressing room is where I like something the most. If I'm not sure about it then, I'm really not going to be sure about it once it's home, and then the odds that I'm actually going to wear something I just feel eh so-so about isn't great.

Successes this week: During the workweek, I did awesome with water and fiber intake. I was well over the amount of water I'm supposed to be getting a day, averaging about 100 ounces a day. I did start stair-climbing, which isn't just taking the stairs to get from point A to point B. Um, it's not easy to do stairs for fitness, but I look forward to improving my endurance and not huffing and puffing so much. (My calves hated me for 2-3 days after.)

Oh yeah, and I'm going to be all about SHORTS this summer :)

Setbacks this week: My battle with my body adjusting to the changes I've made with my diet continued. I also only did 2 out of 3 days of the C25K so I'm repeating week 1 this week, which I probably need to do anyway. No pilates workouts again so I need to do that tomorrow morning at the very least.

Motivation for this week: To see a good number on the scale. This is motivation every week, but I feel like I really need it this week.

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