Twinks Gets Fit...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dear Naked Juice,

We've had a lot of memories together. I remember those last two semesters of school feeling so exhausted and you, you pulled me through with the fruity goodness and "natural" caffeine kick of your Orange Mango Motion. Just half the bottle and I could zip through the rest of the day. You didn't betray me like others ::coughcoughFrappuccinocough:: who would build me up only to leave me slumped over my desk drooling into my Developmental Psychology textbook.

Your hefty price tag was the only thing that kept us apart, but somehow I'd find a way, I'd find a retailer that would market the same pound of bottled fruit for a fraction of the cost and I'd feel so giddy as I took my first sips of the wonderful tangy concoction that you are. We would be inseparable for the rest of the day.

I know it's been awhile, recession and all, and with stores marking up prices, the world seems hellbent on keeping us apart. Until now. When I saw the sales ad with your beautiful photo, I knew we'd be together again. Even when there was only one of your kind left on the shelf, I took you home. This morning I filled my plastic Starbucks cup with crushed ice and half of the orangy goodness to the rim, as I've done so many times before, replaced the lid and relished in the fact that, though I could feel fatigue pulling me to the ground, the promise of your "natural" caffeine additives would carry me through...

30 minutes later, nothing. Not a hint of peppyness, instead I still felt like I had just consumed an entire Thanksgiving of tryptophane. Curious mind that I am, I checked the label of this so-called Orange Mango Motion only to find that the "Fruit inside" was the same, however, the label looked decidedly sparse as apparently the Naked Juice powers that be decided to remove the hundreds of milligrams listed under "Boost inside." No Green Tea Extract, no Guarana. I, quite rightly, began to curse your name, but you can't really blame me. I expected this sort of false advertisement and betrayal from others, but not you. Not the "healthy" caffeine alternative to Starbucks.

I have half a mind to write a letter to the Naked Juice executives and demand the original formula be returned to store shelves. To feed consumers an energy drink and then remove the energy while still calling it by the same name and charging the same or more for it is a travesty for which you should be ashamed. I don't think we can recover from this, old friend. I cannot justify dropping this kind of money on fruit. I'm hurt, yes, but mostly I'm disappointed. I can hardly bear to continue to sip this foreign beverage. I thought I knew you.

I don't think I can see you again. We've both changed, but I don't even recognize you anymore. You used to be so full of life and we really did some great things together--that 27-credit-hour semester was really something, wasn't it? Try not to take it personally. It's not me, it's you.

I wish you the best in the future and I hope you find someone willing to plunk down big bucks for a fruit drink. I'll be okay. I've started making homemade Frappuccinos and really, I'm happy with them. Sure, they don't give me the jumpstart that you used to, but I know they won't suddenly alter their ingredients and become something else entirely.



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