Twinks Gets Fit...

Monday, November 22, 2010

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about McFatty Monday. Perhaps because my body has turned against me, which explains the fact that I've resembled the Hunchback of Notre Dame for the past 6 days, not to mention that I've had an Icy Hot stuck to my lower back whenever I'm not plopped on a heating pad or ice pack. Mentholated is the new Chanel Number 5, yes? The Hubs had a different impression when he rolled toward me one night, got a big ol' whiff and proceeding to cough uncontrollably. That stuff is strong, ya'll.

The low point was really Saturday morning--the Hubs was doing a photoshoot, I was at home w/ Little. She finished her bottle and proceeded to climb her way out of her bouncer, but halfway out, she started crying. I tried to bend down to pick her up to soothe her and the pain seemed to suck the air out of my lungs. I tried again. It was like someone was slicing open the muscle. The pain has been accompanied by the strange feeling of weakness, like my body physically can't stand up straight, can't bend, can't support me carrying a bottle of water, let alone my adorable little girl. Little continued to cry and I felt tears start to fill my own eyes. I dropped to the tile floor because it was the only way I could get to her and she grabbed onto me. I took a few deep breaths and tried to stand to no avail. My back just wouldn't cooperate, wouldn't allow me to do something I'd done millions of times before. The tears returned as frustration and pain combined. I set Kaelyn back in the bouncer, where she started crying again, and I pulled myself up with gritted teeth. While still bent, I pulled her against my chest and headed upstairs. I decided since I could sit well enough on the floor, as long as I didn't try to lean back or too far forward...or look down...or up, I would give her a bath to pass the time before the Hubs got home. Well, I got upstairs somehow, back tense and throbbing, my other muscles starting to give way--only to discover that a few of the essential bath items were downstairs. At this point, I couldn't fathom taking on the stairs again and while from the waist up, I was positioned at approximately a 45 degree angle, I called the Hubs, who was just leaving the photo shoot. I proceeded to vent my frustrations through sobs and God bless him, he listened to my vent and remained the calming force that he is.

Basically, it came down to feeling helpless. Not being able to be the mom I want to be because of the pain. Not being able to do much of anything, even stand up straight because of the pain. Even the slightest move caused a sharp jolt of pain through my entire body. I was entirely at the mercy of my back pain and I hated it.

So he told me to stay put with Little and he was on his way. I laid down on the bed, which was agony, pulled Little next to me since it was time for her nap anyway (which probably is what had her crying in the first place) and I got her to fall asleep by singing one of her favorite songs 3 times. My back still hurt, but I had found a good position (while still dreading getting up later) and we took a nap together...and I didn't feel quite so helpless.

Don't get me wrong, I felt helpless the rest of the weekend. I missed the baby shower for my sister-in-law, which I felt awful about, especially since the gift bags had been sitting on the kitchen table ready to go for weeks. I didn't get to catch up on laundry from our vacation and so the suitcases are still propped open by the laundry room, and the clutter of it makes me tense. I couldn't help the Hubs clean out the garage. I couldn't even do a quick clean to make me feel better about the state of the house (and I hate to see dust and dog fur). I had to sit. All weekend. This probably doesn't sound half-bad, but I like to actively play with Kaelyn. We roll on the floor, I hoist her in the air, I attack her with kisses and tickles, I hang her upside down, I split our time downstairs and upstairs because she gets bored with the same scenery. I don't like things being done for me, I don't like to ask for help--I'm stubborn as a mule like that. Oh and I usually spend some part of weekends waging war on dust and grime with the Dyson and one or both of the steam mops. My back (and the Hubs, frankly) gave me a firm "no."

All of this resulted in poor food choices and a predictably disappointing weigh-in (after earlier in the week, I found the vacation didn't reek havoc--I actually lost 1 1/2 pounds on the, I don't know, but I did). Did you know stress can slow or stop weight loss and can also cause weight gain even if you do everything else right? I didn't do everything right, but still. The stress didn't help.

So no, I don't want to talk about it. My back seems to be on the mend, though still incredibly stiff, so I'm just going to move forward from here and get back on track. If there's a silver lining (leave it to me to find it), it's that I absolutely do not want to feel powerless with my body. Losing weight and getting healthier is a major step in preventing health issues and to not feel so helpless. I can lose weight. I can feel better. I've felt trapped by low self esteem most of my life and I haven't done anything about it until now, but I do have the power to change that. I do have the ability to feel better about myself.

Take that, body.

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