Twinks Gets Fit...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Skinny mirrors & being active vs. passive

I think I need to do all my clothes shopping at Marshalls. You see, geniuses that the execs are, they revamped the dressing rooms and the lighting is, shall we say, fabulous? It's flattering and kind...a tad warm and I'm not certain it's the most energy efficient lighting available, but oh my goodness. If only such lighting were the standard. Yes, Elaine Benis's (Seinfeld) accusation of "skinny mirrors" came to mind, but I didn't care as I tried on my new sports bras. Mine were old and not entirely supportive anymore, which was obvious when I realized that I was wearing an XL and now I'm in a medium (same brand). Oh am I ever comfy now...

Ahem. Anyway.

This week I lost 1 1/2 pounds.

Excellent. ::drums fingers::

Not to be a negative Nancy, but I would have liked to see a 2 pound difference because it would make my next mini goal much more attainable this week. It now requires a 2.5 pound weight loss by next Monday. Hmm. While I've expressed my support of gradual, healthy weight loss, this isn't totally out of the question and it's not like I'm talking about dropping 10 pounds in a week. This 2.5 pounds would mean I've hit the 50 pounds lost mark, which is a bit surreal, but a milestone nonetheless. 10 more pounds from there and I've essentially lost a Budaj. That would be our goofy, lovable pound puppy Husky.

Progress is being made. My self-esteem is on the rise, though I find myself still unable to take a compliment. Someone says: "You're really slimming down. You look great!" I say: "I still have a way to go."

Umm, I feel like shaking myself and saying: "What the hell is wrong with you?" (Stewey from Family Guy, right?)

Surely there is a more positive response. "Thank you, I feel good" for one. "Thanks, it means a lot that you noticed" maybe? It should be pretty obvious by now that I'm not going to get to my goal weight, tone up, and when someone comments about it, say: "I know, right??! Feel my butt, feel how firm!"

For one thing, that's not me. For another, I'm not terribly certain my butt will ever be "firm"--a little cush is nice anyway, yes? For another, I'm not comfortable with strangers/acquaintances touching me. I will, however, be very proud and not be as self-conscious as I've been my entire life. That's what motivates me so much. I want to accomplish this. I want to feel good and healthy. I want to feel proud of myself.

The thing is that I've always been self-depricating. I think I've often confused acting confident with being egotistical. Make no mistake that I've never been egotistical. Know-it-allish at times, yes, but never egotistical. (Though it should also be known that whenever I've taken a stand or been 100% right and spoken up for myself, I always doubt myself after and feel tremendously guilty. I'm working on this.) I wanted people to like me and not feel the need to set my ego straight since I was already bullied quite a bit growing up so I didn't want to give off even a whiff of being confident. So I never was. I wouldn't speak up in groups because I didn't think what I had to say was worthwhile. This lack of confidence combined with my tendency to be introverted just kept me isolated in my own self-depricating mind.

Isn't that awful?

Well, I can't change how I was before, but I can change how I am now. Change my body, change my attitude, change how I approach life. I'm learning to take the bull by the horns and not live life so passively.

This week, I moved further in the right direction. Every pound is progress. I started off with 74 pounds to lose and I'm down to 26.5 to lose. I can't even say how good it'll feel to have less than 20 to go, then less than 10.

I don't really remember what it felt like at the beginning looking at the number 74. I think I was in denial of how far I had to go, how far I had let myself go, passively avoiding scales and mirrors, passively eating whatever sounded good at the time without considering the consequences. It's no wonder to me now how I got to that weight though, just as it's no wonder to me that I'm losing weight now. I'm in control now. I actively choose what I eat. I actively monitor what I eat. I am being more active in general. I'm actively working on getting more fit by exercising. I know when I've been eating well and staying within my points. If I do that, I will lose weight. If I exercise and stay within my points, I'll lose more weight. If I don't lose weight, there's something else going on. I didn't drink enough water or my body is otherwise out of whack or on a plateau ::knock on wood::. I prefer this to how it used to be. I'd gain a few pounds and I couldn't think of why that was happening. I thought I was eating pretty well, but I really wasn't accountable for what I was eating. I would have estimated a third or even half of what I was actually eating and gradually the pounds piled on and before I knew it, I was at my heaviest weight ever.

No wonder.

What I Did Well This Week: I walked, I did Pilates, I even did the 30 Day Shred, which I will not be doing again because it once again caused a knee issue and as much as I'd like to tone up and see the difference 30 days of it can make, I'm not willing to risk screwing up my knees. I'd rather do pilates to tone. It's just more enjoyable for me in general.

I also did really well with my points. Had quite a bit of leftover weekly allowance and left my activities points alone.

Set-backs: I had some--er--irregularity this week, which had me up a few pounds mid to late week. Then it dawned on me to check the cough medicine I was taking. Sure enough, that's a side effect. In fact, it's the first one listed. Der der. This is why I don't like medications. You have to take more meds to counteract the side effects of other meds. And those extra meds aren't terribly enjoyable either.

Oh and I've switched from sidewalks to trails. A little more outdoorsy, a little more peaceful. Decreased my chances of getting hit by a texting driver hurrying to or from lunch (since I had to cross a lot of neighborhood entrances) and increased my chances of getting bit by a rattlesnake. Hmm. It's not the prettiest desert area (I think there was a fire through that area a few years ago), but it'll do.

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