7.6 steps forward, 6.2 steps back

Even my WW screen said "WTH?!" this morning when I had to log my weight.

Okay, so it didn't say that. It was mildly judgmental, saying something about that I probably know what I did wrong this week and probably have made plans to change this week and should stick with it.

Thanks for the support, "you jackass!"

I stayed within my points. I did. I had my awful Wednesday morning and I splurged yesterday, but I was within points. I drank close to 100 ounces of water each day on the weekend when I've been guilty of not drinking enough before. I made pretty good choices otherwise. So what happened? Yeah, I had the stomach virus that threw my body out of whack and resulted in weight loss that disappeared into thin air the moment I got back to drinking enough water, but only 1.4 pounds lost in 2 weeks?? Really? Yes, it's weight loss, but this is getting really ridiculous considering the effort I'm putting in. I'm not going to lie and say I'm putting in the effort of a BL contestant, but I'm drinking tons of water, I'm eating more than enough veggies and am really trying to like fruit, I'm eating whole wheat grains, I've seriously cut down on my cheese intake, I haven't had soda in close to 2 months, I'm doing the stairs, I even do the stairs for fitness, I walk 60 mins on my lunches when it's cool enough, I ride the stationary bike some mornings before work, I make sure to get activity in every day.

I don't get it.

I feel like I'm on a slippery backslide and it scares me. It would be so easy to give up now because the familiar thoughts from the past when I hit a challenge in weight loss (or in anything else for that matter), I just concede that it just doesn't work for me and I give up and go back to my old ways. Why bother eating well when I can't make the progress I want? I'll just eat this mac & cheese and call it a day. I give myself a pass because I'm frustrated and it's just not fair...

but that's what got me to this point.

Ticker factory offers an interesting option of entering past data to weight loss tickers after the fact. I took the liberty of entering my weight from past doctor visits all the way back to senior year of high school.

Interesting...

I did this to try to recognize patterns in my behavior based on what's going on in my life. Basically for the 2 years after high school, I ate crappy food--ramen noodles, pizza 2 times a week minimum, Chickfila on-site (at college), Ben & Jerry's. Then there was a blur of stress and emotionally draining situations...more crappy food. I had bouts of wanting to lose weight (not pictured), but that never lasted long.

I gave myself passes constantly for any number of reasons:

• "I'm so busy/tired, I just need to grab food fast."
• "I'm working so hard, I deserve a treat."
• "[Douchebag who I let break my heart time and time again] is being a jerk so I deserve to order pizza/pick up Chickfila/another pint of Ben & Jerry's."
• "I'm depressed so I deserve..."
• "I'm stressed so I deserve..."

You may notice once I met the Hubs, I packed on the pounds, especially after we got married. I attribute that to 2 things--#1: I was living by myself (well before we got married) and no one had to know how often I waited in the drive-thru at Senor Taco. (Best shrimp burritos on the planet.) Even if I were the only car, they took no less than 15 minutes. I frequented the establishment so much that I learned it was quicker to go inside and call ahead. Then Taco Bell another night. Multiple styrofoam boxes of shrimp tempura and other sushi rolls. Starbucks Frappuccinos several days a week. Oh the money I could have saved had I not been eating so recklessly. Oh well. The irony is that I was digging myself out of a financial crater when I met the Hubs. I managed to get moderately comfortable about 9 months after we met after I had worked 2 jobs while taking a full load of classes. I couldn't fathom cooking healthy meals, but I could have figured something out to eat better and cheaper.

#2: I got happy...and comfortable. "I'm depressed, I deserve..." became "I'm finally happy and loved, I deserve to eat whatever I want and not worry."

Some other things the graph shows is that I got super duper heavy when I was pregnant with Little, my weight's been above where I want it to be for the past decade, passive food choices can be due to both not caring and being depressed or from happiness and simply not paying attention. .

Here's my graph since Little was born. The second dot is really my starting point for weight loss (June 2010). Slow and steady is right.

Alright, now that I've gotten my geek on, time to move on to more of the actual McFatty post.

So I'm frustrated. I want to see that number continue to go down. I don't want to be teased by the result of a stupid stomach bug. I didn't expect all the weight loss to stick around, but a little more that 1.4 at least. Plus another week passed so there should be more loss, right?

But I'm not quitting. I am frustrated and I feel my self-consciousness gaining strength, but I'm not giving up. I hate that I'm not one of those naturally skinny people or people who haven't had to lose more than 5 lbs in their entire lives. I hate that this isn't easy. I hate that I never feel like what I do is enough. I hate that this weight loss "journey" seems to be going on forever. I hate that I feel so negative today about all of this. I hate that this monopolizes my thoughts so much. There is very little I like about this weight loss journey today, but I will not let myself become complacent about food again. I will not become passive. I will not fall into a self-pitying state and have people coddle me and vent with me about how weight loss is so tough and why even bother to eat right and exercise. I will pick myself up after a setback. I will. I might shed a few tears of frustration today because that's what I do when I can't bottle it up anymore, but I'll try to put my frustration into doing the stairs a few times today, pounding the pavement for my lunch. I'll use my frustration as constructively as possible and hope that it makes a difference on the scale.

No puppies and rainbows this weeks, folks. Maybe next week.